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Gardening Humour

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Mrs Smith was crying on her doorstep, when a neighbour asked her what was wrong.
"I sent my husband up to the allotment this morning to get a cabbage for dinner" replied Mrs Smith. "He was gone 2 hours so I went looking for him & found him dead amongst the cabbages"
"Good Lord" said the neighbour "How are you coping"
"I opened a tin of peas" said Mrs Smith!!

Someone keeps dumping soil all over my allotment, twice last week and once this week, I still don't know who's doing it, the plot thickens.
Weeds have learned every survival tactic, except how to grow in rows.

Gardener - A person who calls a spade a spade until they trip over one.
Pruning - One method of killing plants.
Hoeing - A method of killing plants whilst distributing stones.
Compost Heap - The only thing growing.
Bulb - A potential flower buried in Autumn, never to be seen again.
Broad bean - A vegetable grown as food for Black Flies.
Annual - An unwanted plant that insists on re-seeding itself year after year.
Perennial - Should appear each year but doesn't.
Weeds - Main crop plants.
Allotment - Gardening area used for chatting.
Digging - Wife's nagging about the garden.
Rockery - Left over builders rubble.
Manure Heap - A gathering place for flies.
Shed - A building used to store junk & sit down in, thus avoiding working.
Plant Pot - A container for holding dried up plant specimens.
Heard the one about the Bonsai Tree grower who was so successful he had to buy a house with a smaller garden.
A married couple, both gardeners were admiring their garden through the kitchen window. The wife said to her husband "you really need to replace that scruffy old scarecrow out there". The husband asked "why". The wife replied, "well mothers arms are getting tired".
Fred a keen gardener has invented a new aphid eradicating spray for his roses. It kills the roses & the aphids starve to death?
A man walked into a shop and asked the assistant "Do you sell potato clocks".
The assistant, confused said "Potato clocks sir, I'm not sure what you mean".
"Well", said the man, "I'm always late for work and my boss said I would get there before nine if I got a potato clock"!!
The most remarkable thing about my mother is, for 30 years she has served the family with "left over meals" Funny that the original recipe has never been found..
A gardener walked into his shed, it took a week for the bruising to fade away.
Knowledge is knowing that a tomato is a fruit, wisdom is NOT putting it in a fruit salad.
Little Amy was in the garden filling in a hole when her neighbour
peered over the fence. Interested in what the cheeky-faced
youngster was doing, he politely asked, "What are you up to there, Amy?"
   "My goldfish died," replied Amy tearfully, without looking up,
"and I've just buried him."
   The neighbor was concerned, "That's an awfully big hole for a
goldfish, isn't it?"
   Amy patted down the last heap of earth then replied, "That's
because he's inside your cat.
A man was riding in the back of his limousine when he saw a man eating grass by the roadside. He ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate.

"Why are you eating grass?" he asked the man.

"I don't have any money for food," the poor man replied.

"Oh, please come to my house!" "But sir, I have a wife and 4 children..." "Bring them along!" the rich man said.

They all climbed into the limo. Once underway, the poor fellow said, "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us in."

The rich man replied, "No, you don't understand. The grass at my house is over three feet tall!"
A man was driving his car along a country road when he ran out of petrol.
As the car came to a halt a bee flew in through the car window.
The man was frantically trying to start the car when the bee asked, "what seems to be the problem".
The man replied, "I think I'm out of petrol".
The bee flew out of the car window and a couple of minutes later flew back inside the car saying to the man "Now try and start the car". To the man's amazement the car started first time.
He asked the bee "What did you put into the tank".
The bee said "BP"

Surfin in the shed?
LONDON (Reuters) - A British man who became stuck in his garden shed while surfing the Internet was rescued after his online plea for help was picked up by an American stranger.
Pranksters bolted Stephen Riley, from Lancashire, into his shed while he was using his computer at about four o'clock in the morning, the Daily Telegraph said on Saturday.
No one heard his frantic cries for help so in desperation he sent a message to an Internet chat room asking that anyone out there call the Lancashire Police.
His plea was picked up by an Internet user 5,000 miles away in the United States who called police -- much to their surprise.
"When the police said they had been called out from someone in America, I was amazed," he told the paper. "It goes to show the power of the Internet."
Old gardeners never die - They just spade away
 Two gardeners have entered their potatoes in a vegetable show. One is declared the winner and swaggers over to boast of his success to the other gardener. ‘Not surprised I won, to be honest,’ he says. ‘I thought your potatoes were looking a bit on the small side. ‘That’s true,’ said the other gardener. ‘Mind you, I grew them to fit my mouth, not yours.’
When I was out walking with my brother Jim
Somebody threw a tomato at 'im
Now tomatoes are soft and they don't bruise the skin
But this one did, it was still in the tin!
Did you know that ALL wood burning stoves are MAGIC ones!! Whether your logs are Beech, Birch or Oak, they all get turned to Ashes.
The philosopher who said, work well done never needs doing over, never weeded a garden.
 I've just planted some bay trees on my allotment. I can't wait for the windows to grow.
My wife said she was leaving me, because of my unhealthy obsession with plants. I said "where's this stemming from flower".


  1. I am still laughing after reading these. The funniest, which I will try to remember are the bee pee and the potato clock jokes. Take care. Marion

    1. Glad you had a laugh. Thanks for joining my blog.


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